


Coup de Grace

by Impressioniste



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impressioniste/pseuds/Impressioniste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders leaves Hawke a letter prior to the events of The Last Straw. *note - Hawke's gender is deliberately unspecified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coup de Grace

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in April of 2012. I always wanted more explanation or closure or resolution between the last talk you have with Anders post-Justice quest and The Last Straw. He's still living at your home, and some time passes. I can't see them just awkwardly walking around each other and saying nothing at all the whole time only to have Anders disappear without a word, especially in a friendship romance. I also never bought into the idea that Anders has poor self-expression and writing skills. Apart from the other characters picking on him, nothing in the game implies that he's poorly literate... so my personal version of Anders' Narrative Voice may not mesh with yours, but this is how it works for me. I personally see him as someone who would express himself much better and more clearly and coherently in writing than in speech. 
> 
> I also do not see him as fatalistic and suicidal at this point. I see him resigned to the fact that his death will be imminent based on the choices he feels he needs to make, but that isn't quite the same thing. I hope this piece reflects that.
> 
> I also left Hawke's gender deliberately unspecified. There was no reason for me to make it specific to a particular gender, and anything important in their relationship that I wanted to express here is universal to my idea of the relationship, regardless of gender.

I would like to believe that nothing has changed, both within myself and between the two us, but I know it isn't true.

People change over time. The man I am today is not the same man that I was when we first met seven years ago, and if I lived another seven years I would not remain the same man that I am now. I have changed as any man changes--through cause and effect, based on the sum of my experiences, shaped by all that I have seen and heard and felt and loved and lost.

I wish there was blame to be placed at the feet of one person, that the root of all this madness could be traced back to a single, definable source that could be confronted and challenged and overcome, but it cannot be. It is systemic, pervasive, self-perpetuating, and endless.

And it will remain that way unless someone breaks that cycle. That is what I will do, what I must do. No matter the cost.

Even if that cost is 'us'.

I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted anything solely for myself, but I think we both know far too much about wanting things that we cannot have. I've allowed myself this one selfish weakness up to now, but I cannot give in to peaceful surrender and continue to live with the knowledge that in doing so, I put myself and my wants above the lives of so many others.

The very idea of carrying that weight with me for the rest of my life is unbearable.

Things won't ever be right for us—but maybe I can do something, anything, to make sure that somehow, someday... they're right for someone else.

Maybe someday soon, people born with magic will be able to live and love freely without constantly checking over their shoulder for templars, without constantly hiding, constantly fearing being torn apart, never setting down roots, never feeling safe. Maybe someday soon, people like us won't be told that they're wrong for wanting to have a life and a home and a family.

Maybe someday soon, the world will be ready to change.

I have always known that one day I would be called on to answer for the things I have done and the choices I have made. I cannot change that, but I can face it on my own terms.

I know you would join me if I asked, and that terrifies me more than anything. I know the choice should be yours to make, but I still cannot find the strength within me to let that happen.

I know that this will hurt you. I wish with everything that I am that I knew a better way. I would give anything to turn and see you at my side until the very end, but I would rather go it alone than see you throw your life away. Even if you live only to hate me tomorrow, I know that you loved me once, and I will never forget that.

You have so much left to offer the world, so much left to give. I have not always been a good person. I have not always been a good partner. I have never been good for you, or good to you.

Let me be good to you now, in the only way I know how.

I don't know what happens to us when we die. All I can do is have faith, and hope that whatever benevolent hand it is that leads us to the promised realm beyond the Fade (be it the Maker's or not) is a merciful one, and that it understands what I have spent this part of my life trying to do.

This is not simply 'Justice talking'. I am as much Justice as I am Anders, but I have never been anything but myself, and I am as free a man as I have ever been. Make of that what you will.

I will not ask for your forgiveness again. I have already asked for more than I've had a right to. Your love and support has been enough. I have never regretted a single moment of my time with you. I only wish it could have been longer.

I still love you. I always will.

But for better or worse, justice must be done, and I must see it through.

Whatever the cost.


End file.
